The Test

I'm not "an average idiot".
The average idiot has no clue they're an idiot and they blame everything on someone or something else. They are not conscious of themselves - they are not self-aware. They don't see what they do or what they don't do. They take responsibility for NOTHING. They are mindless drones mimicking society around them. They truly are dumb as dirt for the most part, even tho they may "function" at some sophisticated level conducive to their environment. Like being a manager at PetSmart... Sounds impressive but any awareness level above average idiot will struggle in agony with this position! Only idiots qualify. People who will not or cannot think for themselves. People who are unaware. People who are perpetual victims of society, childhood, or any other "unfortunate" circumstance.

I on the other hand am completely aware of my position in life.
I may not like it, I may not understand it fully. But I am VERY very aware of it.

I know that I confound people. I know that I challenge people to love and care about me.
I know I am a pain in the ass and difficult to be around.

I have struggled with these... "perceptions" of my life, all my life.
I have tried to fit in, be normal, conform.... I have admitted to faults to a fault.... I have embraced my shortcomings... I have listened to those around me in an effort to learn and be humble and grow into a better person. I've tried it "your way" for most of my life in an effort to be good, be submissive, beHAVE.

All that these exercises in futility did... was make me grow into who I am today.
Very conscious.
Very aware.
Of who I am NOT.

I know you struggle to understand me and why I do the things I do, and why I won't do the things you think I should, in order for YOU to think I'm a better person.
I know you think I don't try hard enough, if at all.
I know at least one of you thinks that I think I'm so different that I'm privileged. You think I'm "spoiled".
You think I need to be taken down a few notches....
I know you think I'm lazy. Unrealistic.
I am aware.
I know.
I know all of this!
I know what you think, what you say behind my back, how you talk about me to others....
I know you think very bad things about me and very good things about yourself.
I know you think you love me.

But you don't know who I am.
You do not recognize me.

I, unlike most, am fully aware of my position in life.
I know that I make you cringe.
I know that you think you are better than me, even tho you'd NEVER think you're better than someone else, because its just not a Christian thing to do.
I know you judge me, even tho you don't judge anyone because its against your rule book - "Judge not, lest ye be judged". But you do.....

I don't behave the way you believe people should behave.
You don't think I'm worthy.
You think I don't deserve help because I won't help myself.
You think you've got it all figured out.... because you are normal.

I am not your responsibility.
You should not have to take care of me.
And you resent me for not being like you.

Well............
I'm not like you.
I was BORN not like you.
And your kind are becoming obsolete.
If you really wanted to know, you'd know.
But you don't.
You love your position in life, because you are "GOOD", and I am not.
That makes you feel very satisfied.
Enjoy it while you can. Because that's all you get. That's as far as your heart can stretch.
God will not give you any more than you can bare..... Right??

You can't handle the truth.
So we won't burden you with it.

I will go beyond the shame and confusion...
Beyond poverty....
Beyond ridicule and blame....
Beyond all your limits of what life is....
And I will be free.

Keep your life. Your self righteousness. Your god. Your pride, dedication, and honor.


But in your last moment, remember me.
I was your test.
And you failed.

Beyond the Test