While the story of Hallee is so so so beautiful and it touches my heart deeply, I cannot help but peer up from my laptop to see my daughter sitting right across the small room from me who is not that different at all from Hallee.
My daughter is Abi. She is 31. She does not have Autism - She is Autistic. She does not have the mind of a child. She has the mind of an Autistic.
She, like Hallee, is so full of life and love. As a kid her nickname was Happy! She always smiled. She is not physically very active because her body just does not cooperate with her wishes very well. And she doesn't smile near as much anymore.
I have never forced her to conform or be normal or fit in to social parameters. She is almost completely non-verbal except for when she's with only me or her sister. And then she just can't shut up! No really.
She types voraciously though with others but cannot verbalize with people unless she is very very very used to them. Which is basically no one. The internet has given her a life and virtual friends and social skills that she could never have gotten any other way. The internet has allowed her to be herself rather than be programmed into a manageable "special needs" person.
She doesn't really have a filter when she expresses herself and is often time misunderstood. She doesn't have a vicious, aggressive, or violent bone in her body! She literally can't kill gnats. But she is very honest from her perspective, and therefore offends people sometimes. She can't see what she's doing. She doesn't understand the subtle nuances of social tact and white lies that all "normal", "neurotypical" people are expected to live by, and do.
I've always encouraged her independent spirit. I've always tried to show her and explain to her how "they" operate. She understands much more than the average person does, but she still does not mimic proper social order like many think she should.
All that to say.... Abi has never had any "real", hang-out-with kinda friends either. It hurts her very very badly just as Hallee was hurt by no one showing up to her party.
Abi really is an insanely cool person! Funny as hell. Smart. Deep! But she is most definitely wired differently.
The only friends she ever had at her birthdays were my friends.
At the age of 31, she frequently feels horrible about herself. She is very aware. She has hopes and dreams that are constantly just out of her reach.
On the one hand she does not grasp how much like so many other people she is!
On the other hand, she also does not grasp the ways in which she's different, and that her differences are why she doesn't fit in, or that this is OK and actually very common for all people who are unique!!!
Anyway.... Abi always has me and her sister. But in her mind and in her heart, she has tons of friends that she hangs out with all the time... but these friends aren't really there. They never have been. And she doesn't really understand why....
It hurts her...
And it hurts me.
The price of non-conformity, choice or not.
My daughter is Abi. She is 31. She does not have Autism - She is Autistic. She does not have the mind of a child. She has the mind of an Autistic.
She, like Hallee, is so full of life and love. As a kid her nickname was Happy! She always smiled. She is not physically very active because her body just does not cooperate with her wishes very well. And she doesn't smile near as much anymore.
I have never forced her to conform or be normal or fit in to social parameters. She is almost completely non-verbal except for when she's with only me or her sister. And then she just can't shut up! No really.
She types voraciously though with others but cannot verbalize with people unless she is very very very used to them. Which is basically no one. The internet has given her a life and virtual friends and social skills that she could never have gotten any other way. The internet has allowed her to be herself rather than be programmed into a manageable "special needs" person.
She doesn't really have a filter when she expresses herself and is often time misunderstood. She doesn't have a vicious, aggressive, or violent bone in her body! She literally can't kill gnats. But she is very honest from her perspective, and therefore offends people sometimes. She can't see what she's doing. She doesn't understand the subtle nuances of social tact and white lies that all "normal", "neurotypical" people are expected to live by, and do.
I've always encouraged her independent spirit. I've always tried to show her and explain to her how "they" operate. She understands much more than the average person does, but she still does not mimic proper social order like many think she should.
All that to say.... Abi has never had any "real", hang-out-with kinda friends either. It hurts her very very badly just as Hallee was hurt by no one showing up to her party.
Abi really is an insanely cool person! Funny as hell. Smart. Deep! But she is most definitely wired differently.
The only friends she ever had at her birthdays were my friends.
At the age of 31, she frequently feels horrible about herself. She is very aware. She has hopes and dreams that are constantly just out of her reach.
On the one hand she does not grasp how much like so many other people she is!
On the other hand, she also does not grasp the ways in which she's different, and that her differences are why she doesn't fit in, or that this is OK and actually very common for all people who are unique!!!
Anyway.... Abi always has me and her sister. But in her mind and in her heart, she has tons of friends that she hangs out with all the time... but these friends aren't really there. They never have been. And she doesn't really understand why....
It hurts her...
And it hurts me.
The price of non-conformity, choice or not.
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