Pay The Guru

Do not allow your truth to be intimidated by the truth of a more financially successful guru than yourself. People pay for what they want. And it's rare to find anyone who will pay for painfully deep truths. 

The "Other" Depression

I became interested in Tiny Houses on wheels several years ago when I discovered some youtube videos on the subject, in my quest to study and prepare for a mobile lifestyle - namely an RV. At the time, only a few short years ago, there was a limited amount of info, but thru the subsequent years I discovered more and more... Videos, websites, communities, and eventually facebook groups.
The first group I joined was the Florida Tiny House Enthusiasts.
It was awesome to be amongst so many like-minded people, even tho virtually. And what was even more awesome was that many in the group were very local!  I was excited.
One of the moderators of the group, who was very present and involved in its daily vibrancy was a guy named Robert Stewart.  He really kept things thoughtful and pertinent to the idea of the Tiny House ideals of community and practical movement toward making these dreams come true for people. He inspired so many in-depth discussions that helped people sort out the realities, the necessities, and the possibilities.  He created an environment that inspired and allowed connections to be made in order to actualize the TH community here in this area.
He arranged events on occasion where members of the group could meet up and enjoy, not only networking with information, but the company and conversation of like-minded people.
I went to one such meeting... There were only five of us who met at the Chatterbox inside Dunedin Lanes bowling alley for breakfast.
That was the one and only time I met Rob in person.
What an amazing guy!  His energy was so genuine and kind and intelligent.  Truly a like-minded person.
I was so thrilled to have met with this group, even tho it was only 3 other people besides my daughter and myself.  I looked forward to the next one, in hopes that more would be able to attend. With Rob as "leader" or at least initiator of this local group of enthusiasts, I was very excited about the possibilities.  This guy was for real.  This meeting was back in August (2014).
Over the months after the meeting I noticed that Rob seemed less and less present in the fb group. I considered that maybe he was busy and/or a little frustrated with trying to allow people their own space to "get on the same page".... I know he was dissappointed that so few had come to that meeting. I thought maybe he just needed to back away for a while and breathe.
I also thought several times of friending his personal page because... Wow! He really was such a cool guy!  But I have my own issues in my own head.... And I allowed my own discomforts and mental programming to prevent me from ever having personal conversations with Rob outside of the group.

And then this Saturday evening I read a post on the FTHE group page, that changed everything.
I simply could not believe it when I read that Robert Stewart had passed away this Halloween weekend...  From the context of the rest of the post it felt as tho Rob had taken his own life, and indeed that was the case. I instantly thought of all the times I had thought about contacting him.... Just to talk tiny houses and other weird shit going on in the world around us that I know he too was concerned about...  I was stunned.  Most had no idea of the personal pain he was carrying and battling with.  From all the posts that began to pour in about the news, everyone knew him as that same great guy that I saw.  I only met him once and yet I feel the hole left by his absense in my heart.
I believe that is because he was a very deep, sensative and genuinely good soul.

This is not a blog about how dangerous depression is and how you should always seek help...
People think they understand depression because they've been depressed before.  But I'm here to tell you that there is a different "depression" that only the gifted, the ultra-sensative, the deeply creative experience... And it is like comparing ..... Toy Story to The Exorcist.
You don't  understand it and there is no  simple fix!  Certainly not from people on the other end of a hotline or from a prescription. [This is not to say that those things aren't very useful and important to others!!!]

There is an intensity in our world today that has not been experienced by any generation in our history as a race of beings on this planet.  It is not your imagination, it is very real!  It is very different!  It is very intense!  And for many, maybe even for most, it is scary!
We are questioning and calling out all the crap we've been told, all the lies, all the misconceptions... We're restless and irritable with newness on the inside but met with resistance from the old gaurd on the outside.  This can play out in any number of different scenarios.... Rob had his own version.

If you feel like you may need to reach out to someone - whether you understand why or not - reach out.  Have a conversation.  Look into this person's eyes.  Feel this person's heart beat.  And listen with your gut.  Sometimes these people that are so deep and sensative just need a thread... A connection... Just one reason to stay.

The pain can overwhelm so that we cannot see how POSITIVELY we have impacted people's lives and how important it is for us to stay.  Yes!  We are warriors of a sort!  The energy we radiate into this world just by "being" is so important to everyone's growth as a race of beings!  And this is why the battle in our hearts and our minds gets so very, very intense.

Our civilization is evolving quickly and right before our very eyes, as opposed to "in history books"! I believe Rob Stewart was one who was on the leading edge of blazing the new trails. He had a deeper vision of how humanity could be and he felt it all so deeply. The pain of disappointments and set-backs and life events are so amplified in the ultra sensative. Amplified! Because without the depth of passion and vision, that many say is insanity, this world would never change, because change is scary.
And it was on this level that I felt a connection to him....

I am here to say:  Help us to see and remember that no matter our internal battles, something greater than ourselves is going on and we are helping people for the good whether we see it or not!!!
THIS is the message that I need to hear sometimes, because yes, I am one of those sensatives... And yes, I know that darkness that is below even the pit of depression... And I know that ultimately if we feel no reason to be here anymore, we cannot hold on.

We do not see things like others do. We do not feel things like others do. We don't buy the bullshit and we have no faith in anything that can't move our hearts. Let us be who we are, but when we get swept under the rip current remember that there is no reasoning or arguement.  You cannot convince us.... You can only help us remember, and help us find our reason to stay.

My "anchors" are my two daughters.
If  Rob could read all the posts about how much he helped and about how special he was to so many... About how important his presence was to so many....
He needed a mighty powerful reason to stay and continue his personal battle within. He obviously felt we would be fine if he just ended that battle. 

October 8 2014

Sitting under the blood moon eclipse on the beach I had 3 people on my heart and only a few more on my mind.
Clarity.
Beauty.
Come what may.
I went with the five shells I found yesterday at Honeymoon Beach.
I came home with four.  One was removed without my interference.

Lots of energy!!!!
ADHD type of energy.
I experienced some frustrated energy.  I allowed without judgment.  I could feel the Aries energy!

Excitement.  Intensity.  Child-like.  Wreckless.  Fearless.
Feel it all.  Let it be.
I felt the work.  I felt things leave my being.
A totally new existance!

Clarity beyond 3D.

I Don't Wanna Be Here Anymore

Everything and everybody around me is sick. Nothings getting better. There is no healing only dying. There is no abundance, there is no plenty.... Only suffering and despair and getting by... Surrounded by sickness my whole life and never any healing..... What fucking "law of attraction" is that assholes????? I don't wanna be here anymore. No hope. No hope. Only dispair and disappointment. 50 years I've waited.... Believed... Held on... And nothing. Nothing has gotten better. Let go to make room for the blessings! Only to be refilled with more pain, more empty, more impossibilities. There is no joy. Only a perpetual mill of heart break. Spiritual capitalism. Forever chasing the carrot.... Hope deferred makes the heart grow sick but desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

I feel like acid....

#Peace

I don't know what people expect when they pray for peace!
It's not a big fluffy magic blanket spread over us by angels!!!
To ask for peace is to ask for a resolution... for the things that cause the anxiety to be resolved!
You can't truly RESOLVE things without facing them, dealing with them, sorting them out.
The way to peace is to work thru the conflict.  It cannot magically "go away"!!!
That's not what peace is.
So when you ask for peace... Wake up and realize what you're asking for and stop whining when it comes!

Down the Rabbit Hole

So far down the Rabbit Hole.
So past fear...
An acid trip without the drugs. Watch & be amazed...
Watch it all go by...
No time. No space.
Nothing is real. Ah yes. Strawberry fields.
Wait... No drugs!?!
How is this happening!!!?
Mind trip. Mind fuck. Mind blown.
It's broken.
Childhood is here, and new, and now.
Old.
Rich.
Real, pure cream...
No place.
No reality in this world.
Ghost.
Haunting what I thought was a life...
But no life ever materialized.

Set me free to live a real life...

I Want My DisInforMation!

Disinformation is everywhere....
Even in the most unlikely of places.
As a matter of fact, it is almost all-consuming at this point!
In a quest to offer information that may inspire awakening, I have offered lots of alternative possible truths behind many "lies" that have programmed our current society.
I do this with the Facebook, the Twitter and the Blogs...
I, personally, feel that with a nudge or yes sometimes a jolt, many many people will awaken and realize their environment and their self and begin to participate rather than just follow-the-ass-in-front-of-them because that's what they've all been told and conditioned to believe is the right thing to do.

But - turns out - you don't want all that.  It's too scary... Depressing.... NEGATIVE....  And I get the blame for it.  As if I made all this shit up...  Like I started it, just to bring you all down.

So I post as much innovative, intriguing, FUNNY crap as I come across, hoping that you recognize BALANCE, and learn something cool, or be inspired by new perspectives.... Or just crack the fuck up!

But no....  That's still not good enough to get you to swallow the medicine...

And so in the last month I've been "cocooned".
Wrapped up, isolated, incubated....  And I've grown.  Yet another stage of transformation, maturation, expanded consciousness!
And I realize that no matter how pure my efforts, they were indeed "efforts".
And this... will not do for me.

True Unity, as I've come to perceive it,  is not something we can strive for and work to achieve.
Unity is a state of being, a stage of evolution.
Period.
Unity is the antithesis of work!

And to testify to the STILL PREVALENT immaturity of the species, all most people will hear out of that statement is "SOCIALISM!!!"

Keep bleating you pathetic, stupid sheeple....